Andorra’s Box

Tending to the soul through midlife & beyond

Andra Evans 21/05/2017 Andra Evans 21/05/2017

5) Beauty in the Breakdown, Part 1

“As swimmers dare to lie face to the sky and water bears them, as hawks rest upon air and air sustains them, so would l learn to attain free fall, and float into Creator Spirit's deep embrace knowing no effort earns that all surrounding grace.” – Denise Levertov

Nine years ago today, September 15, 2017, it was official: my condo went on the market and two months later the sale closed, launching me into one of the most challenging experiences of my life — being “homeless,” jobless, and in the middle of a “dark night of the soul.”

Originally published on 16 September, 2017

As swimmers dare

to lie face to the sky

and water bears them,

as hawks rest upon air

and air sustains them,

so would l learn to attain

freefall, and float

into Creator Spirit's deep embrace

knowing no effort earns

that all surrounding grace.

~Denise Levertov

Nine years ago today, September 15, 2008, it was official: my condo went on the market and two months later the sale closed, launching me into one of the most challenging experiences of my life - being “homeless,” jobless, and in the middle of a “dark night of the soul.”

Sounds dramatic, huh?

When I found the above poem years ago, I latched onto it as the perfect descriptor for the energies I was feeling during this dark night; the themes of surrender and trust (free-fall) spoke to the leaps of faith and the grace that were opening my awareness to a way to live that made room for love, creativity, play and wisdom. But did I know that then, as I made big decisions and changes.

Previous Andorra’s Box posts outlined how I arrived at a soul-awakening crossroads via a change up in my career, and this one picks up in the middle of the spiritual “sabbatical for the soul” I was experiencing - a period of adjustment characterized by the three inspiring road trips I described in my last post, and the clarity I was looking for when it came to assessing my options for education and career.

My gut instincts and inner guidance system (the inner GPS we all have) had me feeling like I had strayed from my “soul path” and it was time course-correct.

So after weighing things out, taking in counsel from loved ones and some mentors, I made the decision to move "back home." I planned the move with a close friend who was going through a similar life examination, pulling up roots to go be with family. Both of us had aging parents with health issues and we wanted to be nearby.

The decision ignited a rush of energy - it all felt like a really big deal. The prospect of a new beginning dangled in front of me like a golden carrot, but not before taking the steps to set up my life over 4,000 km away.

That was the summer I harnessed all the personal development tools I had to support my thoughts and mood, because I started to feel like I was careening into an abyss of self-sabotage made from poor life choices. I left my job to follow a dream. I left my school because it wasn't the right fit. I was going through a trippy spiritual awakening. I was pretty sure it all had something to do with that mid-life crisis thing.

But deep down I knew something was calling me. All those dreams, the visions, the synchronicities, the whispers. This had something to do with my soul, my inner knowing.

So I prepped my condo to sell, put it on the market, then activated the Law of Attraction to help me achieve my goal of moving with abundance and ease. My friend did the same, as we prayed for things to work out with timing. And things did work out. Within two months, our condos sold for higher than asking price, so we packed up our lives and loaded them into a U-Haul.

Two days before we left, my friend and I took his dog for a walk along Iona Spit to experience our last Pacific coast sunset. It was the night of the full moon in November and there was a quiet peace that descended on us. We didn’t talk much, and I don’t know about him, but as I walked and took in the changing light, I could feel my breath deepening into my belly. My core, my heart was cracking wide open, facing the setting sun and the end of a 13 year long chapter of my life living on the west coast.

I felt grief arriving.

I wailed on the inside.

Totally. Cracked. Open.

Broken.

But there at the mouth of the Fraser River meeting the Straight of Georgia was the setting sun, with the rising full moon in the east shining over the water. It inspired me and helped me remember that even in times of change, some things stay the same.

As an avid reader, I have found immense wisdom and understanding about the life journey through study of various spiritual traditions. One of the books that helped bring things into perspective as I rode the waves of change and transformation that came with the next phases of the journey was this one:

Most of us go through hard times in our lives, we experience loss, maybe have serious issues in some aspect of life, we make mistakes, life happens. But it never means we’re broken, even though it can feel that way sometimes. We’re just human, and if you look for the silver lining to any challenge, you'll find light.

I found this out for myself somewhere in the middle of the prairies between Calgary and Medicine Hat, when everything became a light-filled blur - more on that in Part 2.

Andra Evans 20/05/2017 Andra Evans 20/05/2017

6) Beauty in the Breakdown, Part 2

"The best way to predict your future is to create it." – Peter Drucker

Dear readers — I started writing this on the eve of my birthday at the start of October when fifty-three years ago, I was getting ready to enter this loud bright crazy beautiful world and would be born looking like, according to my mother, an “angry Eskimo.”

Originally published on 26 November, 2017

“The best way to predict your future is to create it.” – Peter Drucker

Dear readers, I started writing this on the eve of my birthday at the start of October when fifty-three years ago, I was getting ready to enter this loud bright crazy beautiful world and would be born looking like, according to my mother, an “angry Eskimo.”

As I laboured to shape words for this next instalment, l welcomed celebrations of my birthday and felt pretty darn good. But then some stuff happened that took my attention, emotions, and motivations elsewhere.

After attending an inspiring workshop called Blossoming Over 50, the #metoo thing happened. Then Gord Downie died (he was 53 just like me) - a big deal for Tragically Hip fans. Then the work I do at a local crystal and metaphysical shop took me into the “Underworld” to hold space for some special souls doing deep transformational work - that meant being ok in the shadow-lands of the psyche.

I was also working with a genius colleague who's helping me brand my business Soul Expressions, and we worked through a process to clarify why I do what I do in life - this required the recall of empowering stories AND the stories of character building challenges.

To top things off, a couple visits to the Art Gallery of Ontario to see the Guillermo Del Toro exhibit reminded me about my early life growing up around books, art, and movies. I felt my inner weirdo re-awaken as I saw collectables I recognized and books that were in our house - I was flooded with memories of my girlhood and family. That’s what you get when you are the somewhat bookish and artsy daughter of two academics.

All tolled, October reminded me about the “emotional and spiritual weight” of my life. Again.

I got so tired of stories about my past, including the one I’m continuing below, and I resisted writing. So I negotiated with myself “Oh well. Maybe November will be better to get back to writing - maybe some live music c/o Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene and that full Taurus moon can help get my spark back.”

Then on November 11, I remembered an important anniversary - 6 years earlier, I stepped into my “teacher shoes” and ran my first class at a local crystal shop. It was called Embracing Your Authentic Self: A path of transformation through the Akashic Records. (For those into numerology, that was on November 11, 2011, 11-11-11 - a perfect day to launch something new!)

The memory of that day sank-in in a surreal way. It was surreal because I didn’t plan on becoming a spiritual teacher, or open a spiritual counselling practice at the local crystal shop, but that’s what happens when you say “yes” to your soul journey.

Eventually all the weight and heaviness I was feeling earlier shifted to a deep abiding appreciation for how rich I feel at this time of year, as we head towards winter. Perfect to pick my story back up about answering the call of the soul….

A quick re-cap - into my 40’s, life turned upside down as I assessed career and relationship issues while navigating a spiritual awakening and asking “what makes me come alive?” This culminated in choosing to pick up roots, move and re-invent myself. You can read about it in my previous posts.

Have you ever wondered what it must feel like for a caterpillar in its cocoon, dissolving into a pile of goo, reforming, and emerging as a butterfly? I have. Butterflies are THE symbol for transformation and moving from one state of being to another - perfect as a symbol for alchemy and reinvention, and turning the lead in life into gold.

By the time I was headed home to begin the next chapter of my life, I was in a goo-like state, dissolving, and feeling broken as I traveled across Canada at the start of winter. After the first leg of our journey through BC and the Rockies, my friend, his dog Jake, my cat Maggie and I sailed across the Prairies with our lives packed in a Uhaul.

I worked hard to not let my thoughts of brokenness hook me - I had a clean slate of opportunity to set up a life to my liking. I sensed how FREE I was - there on the long ribbon of the Trans Canada highway, with the wheat harvest ready to be picked up, and the open sky full of sun filling up my senses with light, I breathed it all in and felt myself relaxing as my chest expanded.

As I gazed from the passenger side window out over miles and miles of fields, the light cast a mystical glow - it seemed liquid, full of a myriad of colours - my friend’s dog even saw that mystical glow. And soon I was enchanted with feelings of possibility. The thoughts about my situation - i.e., leaving a chapter of life behind for the unknown one ahead - ceased having any influence on how I felt. My breath sank into my belly, and all I wanted to do was fly. Surrendered and calm, I entertained the music in my head - the Tragically Hip’s Wheat Kings drifted through my mind….let’s just see what tomorrow brings…

But by the time we rolled into Regina, winter had set in - it was dark and cold, and the closer we got to home, the realities of life came back. I recoiled into myself, sinking into what felt like a dark depression, and when I arrived back in my hometown and reconnected with family, all I wanted to do was collapse and sleep through the winter. So I kinda did.

Thankfully, I was fortunate enough to have some time to figure out my next steps, and while I did, I was compelled to tend to my desire to reclaim my creativity. I hired a Soul Coach and found a Soul Artist to do some intensive creative work - this ignited a creative healing journey and lots of collage making. I booked a few Akashic Records consultations to gain some empowered perspective and devoted myself to deep self-care, reading Women Who Run with the Wolves and other books (some pictured below). Soon enough I began researching schools that offered holistic psychotherapy certification - I wanted to turn the existential content of my past experiences into something helpful for others, while aligning with a life that felt more authentic, and true to my interests and shifting values.

As I rested and read, winter’s light lengthened and a specific “calling” came into my awareness - my meditations brought visions, and dreams showed that the way forward required a shamanic initiation and a deep surrender to operating one step at a time with eyes focused on opening a unique counselling or coaching practice.

By the time spring rolled around things began falling into place - mentors and teachers showed up and new soul tribe started forming. I got excited as synchronicities helped open a new vision of life. Every decision, every action I took felt like a divinely choreographed step, and the fresh spring air and sunshine fed my body, mind and soul.

Things really made sense after I received the rites of the Munay-Ki and participated in the shamanic ceremonies and processes that shaped the spring and summer of my first year back. By fall, I would be back in school and well on the way to where I am today, offering services as a spiritual director.

That was almost 10 years ago, so as 2017 winds down, I allow for a refinement process to propel my next steps and the rest of the year. It's time to savour the gifts of the past, the lessons, the bounty of blessings that come from being willing to change, and to sink into deep appreciation for all the support that held me through my last reinvention.

Now there are presents to make, time to spend with loved ones, fires to be stoked, and laughs to be had.

See you in December for a final end-of year summary of how to respond to a soul-inspired call to come alive - thanks for reading!

Andra Evans 19/05/2017 Andra Evans 19/05/2017

7) Letting the Light In

“Said the river: imagine everything you can imagine, then keep on going.” – Mary Oliver

As I write this, there’s a full moon at my back, a super full moon rising in the eastern winter sky, reflecting light through one of my east-facing windows. I was catching up with an old friend on the phone as the moon rose, huge and bright, as we shared stories about our lives, how we’re completing 2017, and where our sights are focused in 2018. Both of us celebrated the recent winter solstice and the return of sunlight as the new year arrives.

Originally published on 30 December, 2017

“Said the river: imagine everything you can imagine, then keep on going.” – Mary Oliver

As we chatted, my sight was only on the moon. I took in the wonder I feel when I gaze at what nature has to offer, whether it’s a full moon, the delicate blooms of flowers, the hypnotic multi-sensory experience of a waterfall, or how animals act in their natural environment.

I had just written a blog article for the shop I offer services at about how this moon, and the New Year’s cross into 2018 is a little bit special, depending on how each of us is moving through life. It was my last piece of work for 2017, so it felt good to catch up with a friend before wrapping up the day with this little post.

So in the spirit of the new year energies, for the next few days I’ll be reflecting on how this past year has offered much in growth and challenge and awareness and opportunity and change - not all of it pleasant, a lot of it inspiring, most of it transforming, and all of it landing in a well of gratitude for what will be coming with me into 2018. I invite you to do the same.

One thing I've noticed in my spiritual direction/soul coaching practice is that I saw more people in 2017 who want to live soul centred lives connected to their “soul callings”. And because we don't really teach that in school or value it in modern life, I and my colleagues have noticed an increase in people wanting holistic body-mind-soul supports for aspects of life that our modern-day institutions don't really supply.

So as we end one calendar year and get ready for a new one, my heart goes out to anyone who wants to live more true to themselves, or authentically. Or, like me a decade ago, who wants to explore what makes them come alive.

In January, I will be offering some events locally in Toronto at The Rock Store, teaching people how to align with nature’s rhythms for better flow in 2018. And stay tuned to my Soul Expressions practice as it gets a facelift and a new logo over the winter! These are the ventures that feed my sense of purpose and fulfillment today, and as a work-in-progress, the things that will carry me into more love, prosperity, and joy in the coming days, weeks, and months.

For now though, I wish everyone reading this the love you desire as we enter 2018. Time to release 2017's lessons and prayers into a full moon fire ceremony.